One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’ t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself. ~Lucille Ball

me at the grocery store yesterday

The last few weeks of my charmed life have felt like a really long episode of I Love Lucy. It seems, I just can’t get it quite right. I’m not being melodramatic, it’s just been one little snafu after another. Nothing really heartbreaking or life threatening, but the kind that make you laugh-cry. The kind that when they keep happening, make it hard to get steady on your feet again. Imagine a gal tumble running down a hill, arms flying, feet touching the ground, never quite in a fall, but you’re certain she’s about to. Yeah, that’s how I feel. A little overcommitted and underprepared.

I am leaving in less than two days for Squam. And preparing my goodies for vendor night has fallen right in to the silliest I Love Lucy episode of all. Labels missing, not arriving on time, not enough lids for the right jars, etc… So this morning, after I spent $45 on labels at the tiny print shoppe on the island only to realize they aren’t the right kind for my printer, I’m giving myself over to the earth. I realized this morning in my scramble that in all my stressed preparation for just those few hours that one night, I had forgotten all about the rest of the retreat and why I’m going in the first place.

preparing for vendor night

This year really has been a string of dreams come true. Four years ago when I shyly entered the world of ‘mommy’ blogging with my first blog, Suburban Boho Misfit, I never would have imagined where I would be today. I remember, with tiny Sevi wrapped in my Moby, reading and admiring all the beautiful creative women sharing the story of their families and creative practices. I remember saying, I’ll go to Squam one day, and here I go. I remember aching so badly for the Love Bomb retreat I read about in Artful Blogging. This year Matrilumina delivered me that and so much more. I remember thinking, it is possible to be part of a tribe that gets me, where we feel free to be fully expressed in support of each other. Many of the women whose blogs I read and long admired, I now call friends and partners. So here we are, Lucy and I among the chaos, laughing our way to every single one of my wishes.

I am extremely grateful. But navigating all this change and chaos has been challenging. Not because it’s especially hard, just very new. Learning how to be by myself after almost five years of only caring for children, learning how to meet new people and being open enough to engage new relationships, being away from my family, trusting their (amazing) father to care for them while I’m gone, stepping out into the world for myself, sharing my heart work and business with strangers…..So many emotions to traverse. So much opportunity for growth. And it’s all a little crazy.

Thanks to the amazing Maya, I now recognize that I am 100% response-able.  For all of it. The retreats, the  beach house, the many blessings and yes, the chaos too. So I’m choosing to stop stressing out and I’m gonna follow that sunflower toward the light. Instead of getting it perfect, I’m zipping up the suitcase on my vendor table as is. And I’m taking my kids to the beach.