This is the one I’ve been meaning to write. The one that has me in tangles a little. It’s a part of my magical fairy tale that has me….confused. Nothing tragic, just a fork in the road we weren’t expecting. Today is the day we were supposed to sign the papers on our dream house. The one we were certain we moved here for. The one with the amazing 26 year tended organic herb garden, the fruit orchard with 20 different trees, the pond. The one with the sacred circle garden where they actually held women’s circles for years. The one built by hand by a family who loved the earth with passive solar, water catchment, and so much more. Each of the corners filled with the details of their stories. A barn, an adorable donkey and a few loving sheep. An adorable tea house garden with a yoga gazebo. Even a separate unit for holding live herbcraft camps. The one Sevi still asks about every day. “When are we moving to our farmhouse, mama?

The amount of magic that appeared during the process was, intense. Money magic, credit magic, and even the great rare creatures came to play a part and offer us magic. It was out of our price range until we ‘found’ the downpayment we didn’t know existed. It required a loan exception that is rarely made. And the night we signed the contract we were flanked by two owls less than 10 feet away who screeched at each other, us in the middle for 10 minutes. We were in awe at every turn. Until suddenly, we weren’t anymore. We chose to walk away from the home due to foundational damage beyond repair. This isn’t a tragic situation, I know I say that a lot. But a bit of a devastating one it has been for our spirits. We didn’t realize until recently how much it has affected us. We were certain this house, was truly perfectly made for us. The timeline played out almost two weeks behind the fabulous Miss Leonie Dawson moving in to her paradise house and I couldn’t help but see the paralleles. Notice the magic, the work we’ve committed to. The shifts and changes we’ve made paying off. I felt empowered and alive. I even drafted a letter I was going to send her because it was so crazy similar. And to top it off, my confidence was high, my vision expanded and my capacity for creation out of this world.

But ever since the contract was cancelled, I’ve been feeling flustered and confused. Like, I did something wrong. Or worse, like I used up all my magic. What’s going to happen now? It’s impossible for me not to think symbolically, so the information about the foundation of the home has not been lost on us and we have been in study mode to determine what this could mean for us. Firstly, we explored the foundation of our relationship  and truly it has never felt more fortified and strong. Throughout the process when things got scary and one of us faltered the other was quick to move in and support. We were fluid and form moving in and out as needed. It was the strongest we’ve ever been as a partnership and I am in awe of what we were able to accomplish. In my partnership with my husband, I will never doubt again. So what it has brought to the table it is considering our greater plan, and where we think we’d like to lay our next home. The foundation upon which we will build our business. Whidbey has been magical. I refer to it as a vortex. A place to go and dip into the well of creation to fill up. I think it created some of the best magic of our lives, but after being here for a season, we’re not sure we want to call it our permanent home. We’ve been given so many gifts by living our Beach House Year (not over yet!), we’re feeling like we just want to do that quietly, with some stillness, and play until it’s done.

What did come of our not-so-dream house experience was a breaking down of limitations. We pushed ourselves farther than we thought we could go with the possibility of this home being ours. And the idea of what we are able to create expanded beyond my wildest imagining. Perhaps, in the end that was the true gift: expanded capacity, including the capacity for breakdowns to be the doorways to true vision. So I’m in creation mode again. Digging deeper and clearing more cobwebs on the path. I’ve been feeling pulled to go in hibernation mode. And while I do recognize this is a pattern for me, it’s one I’m learning not to hide or be ashamed of any longer. This will be the first true Autumn I’ve seen in almost a decade. After so many years of summers in the desert without a break, I’m due. I have some deep soul work to attend to as well as some family shifts to repair and navigate. It is my intention, because I’ve learned so much about self-care, to do this mostly offline. We’ll see how that goes, but I’m following my instincts for now, into the hearth, taking only my family and my closest  sisters as my travelling companions for now. I had a fear I might loose all the momentum I’ve gained with my little herb’n biz, but this breakdown, is like a beacon of faith. Faith in my people. Faith in my mission. Faith in my ability to do it. And I know that right now, the best thing for me to do to support my mission, is to go inward and work this next step, on my own.

Many blessings to you during the dark seasons and much gratitude for your breakdowns as they pave the way to creation. Keep your lanterns lit, and your sunflower seeds near.