In general life around here really is pretty effing rosy. But there be dayzzzz, mamas. You know the ones. Where your lunarcycle and the childrens’ just don’t make beautiful music. More like screeching tires. And the reactions and tag and touch of emotions turns into the swirl of mama guilt and tenderness that you carry with each forward movement. A little bit pride, a little bit exhaustion, a little bit I just want some effing space. Then, in those shaky vulnerable moments of parenting, one of your usual outside triggers is pulled. An innocent (or perhaps not-so) comment from a stranger about something you love or the way you parent. Or, and this is a biggie for me, commentary about your business or you….and, just like that, derailed. Thrown off the tracks. It’s easily done on raw and ruddy days. Then the questions about what the hell am I doing here. Is it worth it. Does it make a difference? Who cares anyway? Maybe they are right….etc etc etc. Down the rabbit hole of self-doubt I fall.

But then. Then, I ‘steal’ a moment on instagram or facebook and someone posts something that feels just for me. Kelly Barton was my girl yesterday. Shot after shot and I felt like I was being bombarded with love-and-light-darts. Right to that raw place. And a shift is made. A teeny tiny  one. Enough to make me look up from the mess and See again. Enough to pull me outside and sit with the trees. Enough to make me notice that my beautiful trees fall into the shadow too. Enough to make me look for the light that casts it. All just to remind me, I’m enough. I stand in shadow too. But, where there is shadow, there is always always light.

It seems like the blogs and instagrams aren’t real or fully authentic story is making its way around again. It ebbs and flows. Well, here’s my opinion. I tend to follow and fill my social media feeds with folks who are eager to share the beauty they see. It’s how I fill up. It’s how I connect. I am not on Mars. I fully understand that life can get messy. And boring. And down right irritating. I do read a few killer parenting and business blogs that are super great at bringing the shitty all into perspective,  albeit in a funny and light way. But, if I find myself for a moment getting caught up in a fairy-tale longing for the  beautiful stories of someone else’s life, I check in, step back, and recalibrate. I take responsibility for my thoughts and stories. Then, I get caught up in the truth of beauty and go looking for it in *my* day. My reality is that beauty does exist everywhere. In my world it is FULLY possible to have a shitty day and still see rainbows. In fact, it was all these folks, over the years who so completely celebrated the amazing and beautiful that inspired us that we could create a life that reflected the same. So thank you. Thank you to everyone who shares the beautiful and gorgeous side of life they see in the random moments of the day. Keep sharing it however you want, in your way. I for one, am a fan.

Besos,
Latisha

Here’s a little moment of beauty I was able to find at the end of my day.

Sunflower House

Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you’re a thousand miles from a cornfield. ~Dwight Eisenhower

Today marks one week since I’ve been home from Visual Quest, the shamanic painting retreat in Big Sur.  Re-entry was kind enough to us all. We took it easy and laid down any expectations of doing. It’s been months of slow transition. Closing on the farmette, moving here and unfolding into it, and then to top it off with a super fun bout of whooping cough that forced us into a sort of quarantined cocoon to just be here, in this space, together without expectations to entertain or share our home yet.

Herb Gardens at Esalen

But all that slow unfolding and observation has certainly played out. The gardens at Esalen were full of inspiration and made me itchy to begin creating our own version here at Sunflower House. Yesterday Drew and I were a flood of ideas and excitement about where to begin. What do we take on first? We are in full vision making mode right now and it sometimes feels like staying there might be a little bit safer. Watching youtube vids about everything from composting to chicken coop building, pouring over mountains of library books, and clipping bits from magazines for our latest inspiration board. Looking out at our sweet little acre, that is not much more than a bunch of fruit trees scattered across the grass, sort of feels like staring down a blank canvas.

Dreaming about being an actress is more exciting than being one. ~Marilyn Monroe

We both know it’s about doing the first thing, and then the next thing, and the next. Just pick one thing. We both get the game. Maybe because we are both in awe that we’ve finally arrived, like we might wake up to find ourselves back in our townhouse in the desert with our tiny patio garden. It’s been years of planning and choosing, and saying YES a thousand times to get here. We’ve been dreaming of this moment for a long time. So it’s kind of been hard to step out of the safe dream space into the it’s real let’s do this space.

true story

I learned many things at VisualQuest that are finding their way into my day to day. For example, I learned to calm that blank canvas fear by choosing three colors, smearing and dripping a bunch of paint all over it, then stepping back to see where the painting wants to go next. So, maybe that’s what we’ll do. Choose  three things, and smear em around, then step back and see what wants to happen next. Let the land guide us, instead of the other way around. Something else I learned, and much more on this later, is that the shamanic painting is alive. The gift is the in *process* not the product. I’m not sure my finished paintings are all that spectacular, but they hang in my studio as is, because the reminder of what was uncovered in the making of them has been one of the most profound gifts of my life. Whatever we decide do, the Good Will Hunting phase has come to an end. It’s time to put down the books and smell the Sistine Chapel…or in our case, get our hands in the dirt and smear it around.

“Real power is the persistent courage to be at ease with the unsolved and the unfinished. To be able to recognize, in the scattered graffiti of your desires, the signature of the eternal.” — John O’Donohue

Besos,
Latisha