Belief. The word that is whispered to me like an echo from the dead these past weeks. On my pilgrimage to Avalon, I inquired to a fellow priestess about using a pendulum for my recent bout of indecision. Ever interested in witchy tools, I wondered how to go about finding one and using it. She offered a few suggestions, but then said simply and matter of factly, "But this isn't what you need, Latisha. You just need to believe in yourself, sister. You have incredible gifts."
And so, prompted by Hannah, I wrote my letter to Santa.
As you know, my list has been the same for a magic 7 years now. On each 11:11 and every shooting star, carried on the wind with every dandelion seed. And each year one way or another, something else has been checked off. Often, in ways I never imagined it materializing. And now we are left with just the one wish. The big dog daddy. Honestly, I thought it was already delivered.
But the circumstances of the last few months have me wondering, questioning, and confused. And perhaps, that's why it feels like you've included some kind of COD clause I don't quite understand.
I suppose in truth, I have been consistent, but not exactly committed. Through the last 7 years of working and wishing (my magic formula to manifesting) toward our dreams I've always held onto a plan B. A backup game. A just in case, safe bet. And spent residual energy and funds to ensure that place exists, should "it not work out."
So this year, I'm letting go of plan B. Going all in -heart, soul, finances, ego, relationships. Anything that is not in service of the work, will be shed. I'm not saving anything for the trip back. I know that plan B will never make me feel safe, should it ever come to be. I know what I want. I know what makes my heart sing. And I know that you aren't really the one who gives it to me. But you are the one who reminds me of magic. I really need a big bag of pixie dust, a rainstorm of that fierce fucking magic that is inside of each of us, to shoot up and out of my heart.
This Christmas, all I want, is to Believe in myself.